Cognizance
by Anonyme
Summary: Realizing what you suspect is most likely true can be hell.


I've had this done for what seems like forever and I've never gotten around to doing anything with it. So now, I'm doing something with it.g

If you have not read the stories Acceptance and Resistance, you will want to read them before reading this.

Spoilers: Anything up to and including Counteragent. Also a slight spoiler for The Abduction, but nothing too major.

Distribution: Cover Me, FF.Net, SD-1 Boards, and those who've asked. If anyone else wants it, please e-mail me, I'll probably say yes.g

AN: Thanks to Jen for the beta and for convincing me I really should post this.

Becky

Cognizance

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't help it. Something's going on and I don't like not knowing what it is. They say ignorance is bliss. Problem is, once you suspect something, it isn't bliss. It's hell.

I go back inside, trying to act as if everything is fine. No one even notices that I've returned. Sometimes it's nice to be ignored, anonymous, but right now, it just adds to the anxiety I'm feeling. 

I walk down the hall and into one of the guest bedrooms, knowing perfectly well it has the vantage point I want. I should feel guilty about this, but I don't. It's happening again, just like it did last time. The only difference is that this time, I think I've met the cause.

I go to the window and look down to where they are standing on the beach. I can't help thinking about how agitated he's been all night, a night when he should have been relaxed. I didn't want to think about the reasons, just tried to put it off on the fact that he'd stopped by his damned office before going home. 

But then through dinner, he'd excuse himself to take a call. I think he even made a couple, but I can't be sure. All I know, is that each time he'd come back, he was more distracted, more troubled than before. A couple of times, I noticed a look between him and Weiss. Then there would be a subtle shake of his head followed by a curt nod from Eric.

My train of thought is interrupted as I see him shove something into her hand. Even though I can't hear them, just the way he is moving tells me more than I really want to know. I know he's angry. No, that's not right. He's pissed. And with Michael Vaughn, there is a _big _ difference between the two.

He's walked away from her, but I don't think he really wants to because when she follows him, he turns back to her. He's pointing at whatever he handed her a moment before. And it looks like he's still yelling at her.

I lean forward a bit, half tempted to open the window even though I know I wouldn't be able to hear what they are saying. My hand is actually on the latch when I see Rita glance up at the house.

I jump back, afraid that she saw me standing here watching them. A few seconds later, I'm back at the window. I can't help myself. I cautiously pull back the sheer panel that covers the glass, glancing back down at them just in time to see Michael turning away from her again.

Rita starts to take a step towards him, but stops. Then suddenly her whole posture changes. Her shoulders drop slightly and she lowers her head. She stands like that for a minute or two and I feel sorry for her. I don't know what she means to Michael or what he means to her, but I do know what it is like to lose him. And if that is what has happened, even though it is probably good for me, I can't help feeling sorry for her.

I watch as she starts to walk away. She hasn't gotten very far when she stops. And this is when I truly know that Michael will never be completely mine. Not that I think he ever was. Even before all the problems last year, he never really seemed to be interested in committing to me. It was almost as if he was biding his time, waiting for someone else to come along. 

A tear slides down my cheek as I see Michael walking up behind her because I understand that he wasn't waiting for someone. He was waiting for her. I realize I knew the moment I introduced myself at the hospital. The way her expression froze when I told her I was Michael's girlfriend was a dead giveaway. But at the time, I didn't want to think about it. At that point, all I wanted was for Michael to be okay.

I glance back down at the beach and see her turn around, almost bumping into him when she does because he's standing so close. They stay like that for a moment, neither one of them moving. And then I see it. I almost missed it, but he must have said something because Rita slowly nods her head.

I step back from the window, turning my back to it as I lean against the wall. I wish I could be angry with him for doing this to me. Again. But I can't. Maybe later when it doesn't hurt so much. Maybe then, I will be able to be angry, but right now I'm just numb to everything else but the pain.

I push myself away from the wall, but I turn back, looking out the window once again. No more than five minute have passed, but when I look back down to where they were just moments ago, I see that Rita is gone. At first I can't see him and I panic, thinking that he left with her, but then I see him sitting a little further down the beach. 

Even now as he sits there staring out at the ocean, all I want to do is go down there and hold him. I want to make it better for him even though I know I can't. But then again, maybe I can. 

I wander over to the bed and retrieve my coat from the bottom of the small pile. The next thing I have to do is find my purse. I know I brought it with me, but it doesn't seem to be in here. And then I remember that I left it in the kitchen after his mom and I got back from the last minute run to the store.

I close the door behind me and walk back through the hall into the dining room. I see Gabrielle talking, laughing with Eric, but she stops and hurries over when she sees me with my coat.

"Alice, is everything alright, dear?"

"Yes. I just forgot that I have a meeting first thing in the morning and I haven't finished the projection report yet."

"Are you sure you can't stay for just a bit longer?"

"No, I really should be going." All I want right now is to get out of here before Mike comes back inside. I don't know if it's just dumb luck, but I'm saved by the proverbial bell as my cell phone starts to ring.

I search the pockets while Mike's mom tells me goodbye and that she'll see me soon before she wanders back around the room, the perfect hostess. I finally find my phone, checking the caller id even as I click the talk button. "Hello Mom."

I start heading for the kitchen but suddenly I have to stop. Leaning against the wall for support, I'm certain I haven't heard her right. I ask her to repeat herself, only to find I heard her correctly the first time.

I don't remember saying anything. I certainly don't remember screaming, but I must have done something because all of a sudden the room is silent and I find myself surrounded by people, Mike's mother leading the way.

Somehow, I manage to tell her what's wrong just as I see Mike pushing his way through the small crowd. And then he wraps his arm around me and leads me to the door as someone hands me my purse, telling me everything will be alright. That my father will be alright.

As he helps me into the passenger seat of his car, I wonder if maybe I was wrong about what I saw between him and Rita. Then he slips behind the wheel and as he pulls out of the drive, he pats my hand reassuringly. Comfortingly. Non-committally. 

I look out the window, thinking of what I saw earlier and I know that even though he is here with me physically, Michael's not really here. And then I think of my father. And I think of the words Michael said as he lead me out of his mother's house. I want to believe that he is right. That everything will be okay. And even though deep down I have this feeling that nothing will ever be alright again, maybe for tonight I'll be able to forget and just let myself believe.


End file.
